I decided to wait a while before I actually killed myself, because people were coming in for the funeral, and I just couldn’t do it then but I was determined my mind was made up. And third, I needed to punish myself for causing Melissa’s suicide. Second, I needed to end my shitty life, because I hated it. There was NO doubt in my mind that I was going to kill myself. I thought about overdosing, jumping off a bridge, or shooting myself in the head. I just kept thinking about ways that I could kill myself. But somehow I managed to drink some water.Īnd I wasn’t ready for what was coming next: Melissa’s funeral. It’s like my mind and my mouth were completely out of control. I not only talked and talked about Melissa, but I babbled endlessly about all of the problems in my life. And all of this shit started pouring out. Shelly, my best friend, made me stay with her for a while and I can guarantee you that I would have killed myself that first night if it weren’t for her. I had to deal with the cops, the hospital, and then call people to tell them about the suicide. So, the rest of that horrible day was completely fucked up. My brain didn’t function my emotions were destroyed and even my body felt weird. That day was just the beginning of my hell. I didn’t get Melissa the help that she needed and now she is dead. Why in the hell didn’t I put the pieces together? I knew she was having problems, but dumbshit me was too preoccupied with my own little meaningless life. So why in the hell didn't I kill myself when I had the chance? I'll tell you why, because I am a weak person.Īnd I should have been able to prevent Melissa’s suicide. They could have had our funeral together. They could have removed BOTH of our bodies together. It wasn’t long before the police showed up, and then an ambulance. So I ran downstairs and started pacing the floor, crying hysterically. I felt like such a coward to not be able to pick up the gun and end my life.
But for some reason I just couldn’t kill myself. I looked at my beautiful baby and then looked at the gun.
So I decided to kill myself before the cops arrived. I was shaking and crying, and I kept telling her to wake up.īut I quickly realized that there was no hope – she was dead.Īnd I knew that I couldn’t let her leave this world without me. I then thought that maybe, just maybe, Melissa might still be alive. Somehow I told them what happened, slammed down the phone, and ran back up to be with my baby. I remember the dispatcher saying over and over, “Calm down, calm down.” But how in the hell could I calm down when my baby just killed herself? I eventually ran downstairs and called 911, but I could barely talk. I had been out shopping, and when I came home I called out to Melissa, but she didn’t respond so I went up to her room and found her. It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life: my precious Melissa, lying on her bed in a pool of blood. Please be advised that this story may be too intense for some readers. And Elizabeth and I agreed that to truly help people, they would need to understand what she was actually feeling because, undoubtedly, there are innumerable people who have experienced, or are experiencing, the same thing and reading this story will thus give them hope. Filtering these aspects would diminish the impact of her story.
She also has a tendency to put herself down in rather harsh (and completely inaccurate) ways – but she is expressing what she actually feels. The story itself concerns a suicide survivor who has struggled with suicidal feelings and has attempted suicide. So, please be forewarned that there is profanity in this story. Please understand that this profanity is rooted in very intense pain, and to allow the impact of her story to be properly conveyed, I have left the profanity in place. Warning: Elizabeth speaks her mind, and sometimes uses profanity. I cherish our friendship and I thank God for heroes like you. You are a wonderful person and an angel on earth. I love you more than you can imagine Elizabeth. She is a suicide survivor who has endured the loss of her only child, excruciating emotional pain, severe clinical depression, and PTSD yet she perseveres.Īnd now this amazing angel wants to share her story because she wants to help others – and give hope to others. And I am honored to have her as a close friend. I Want to Kill Myself: A Suicide Survivor Shares Her Suicidal Feelings and Suicide Attemptīy Elizabeth and Kevin CarusoĮlizabeth is a hero. Help Save Lives! Please Click Below: Donate Suicide Survivors Forum - Click for Info! is a 501c3 NON-PROFIT Organization and Website
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